Mothers

 What a circus this is

The game of hide and seek

Of tug o war

The waltz that never ends

That complicated love affair we mothers have

with Worry

The constant pull back and forth

Sometimes more gracious and obliging... 

Like a kitten tugging gently at a ball of yarn... playful, mischievous and hard to ignore. 

Gentle, yet strong enough to steal away my peace of mind. 

Sometimes stealing the peace in some kind of strange bittersweet way,

A gnawing at the heart.

A gnawing that's not strong enough to break me, yet bold enough to trouble me. 

Even as I lay down to rest my body, the tugging, gnawing, the surge is always there. 

The body gets rest but the heart, never can catch a breather. 

This mother's heart feels that gentle pull that's constant and as sure as the tide.

The worry lines and wrinkles that sometimes look cute as I smile

As I smile to hide the very worries that gnaw at my heart

The darkening of circles under my eyes that happens so slowly and stealthily stealing my youthful freedom 

Carefree days turn blurry and disappear into oblivion 

The sunshiny, happy days quickly whiz by as I lie awake night after night staring into the darkness 

While demonised worrisome thoughts play havoc through this softened, troubled heart.

What a love-hate whirlwind this is. 

Like a chaotic dance I can't ever tear myself away from

It tires me and makes me spin, mad and weary all at once, 

Yet, it continues, endless...

And as the dance goes on, it changes me

Unravels me

Undoes everything that makes me

Until I'm not myself anymore

The person I once was is unrecognizable after years...

Of this dance that makes me dizzy 

Of the game that I never win

Until I'm but a mess of knots and tangles never to see itself the same way again.

- Rebecca Manari 

1-1-2021