That Christmas magic

As someone who grew up in a huge family with loads of siblings, Christmas was always the most exciting time and what we children looked forward to the most. 

After I became a mother, I realised how hard it really is to create the same Christmas kind of magic for children... the kind that we experienced way back.

When I look back, I really remember that everything looked and smelled different and Christmassy.

I thought for a long time about what is making it so hard to recreate that. I'll never know if my children experience it anything like we did. I remember sitting on the stairs on Christmas morning with my sister and quietly but excitedly opening up our pillowcases full of gifts while not disturbing the rest of the sleeping family, eating Christmassy dinners in the garden with a bonfire close by, and the christmas carols playing all the time at home on a cassette player!

For starters, times are different. So different. Will christmas carols feel the same when played from an iPhone? Can watching a concert on Zoom or YouTube still make me shed a tear? Then, part of the magic all comes from the number of people around us. With that army of all the cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends, and of course all my siblings, there was never a dull moment, never a lonely time, and our home was anything but silent. 

Writing letters to Santa, using our best handwriting, making sure that we always remembered to begin the letters by telling him how much we loved and enjoyed our previous year's presents, never forgetting to mention how good we have been all year.

All the goodies at home and the ones we got when we made Christmas visits to people's homes.. From my favorite, marzipan and kulkuls, that never lasted more than a minute once I got my hands on them, to ones I never wanted to try- like wine and fruit cake which had funky smells that tickled my nose! 

We wondered how much magic our father's cupboard contained in December! It seemed to be endless and bottomless! We watched wide eyed as he would pull out gifts- toys for his employee's children, shirts in their white cardboard packaging with a million pins holding all the folds in place, neatly folded saris for the wives of some of his staff, tins of butter cookies and chocolates for the children of any visitors, gift packs of dry fruits and nuts to hand over to the line of underprivileged people who always showed up at the door at Christmas. 

Going shopping for new outfits for Christmas mass. I remember my big sisters negotiating a budget for all our outfits with my father, who was always the provider of finances, the cutest dance steps, and good cheer! 

Having the house painted occasionally or going out with my big sister to order new upholstery or new curtains for the house. I loved going to those big stores which always had scraps of fabric strewn about on the floor. I always picked up one or two if I found it pretty, just because I could! How well I remember that smelled of fabric, and how I loved thumbing through all those booklets of fabric samples, or glossy magazines full of pictures of posh homes that seemed beyond our reach!

Since becoming a mother, fifteen years ago, I've tried hard to recreate that same magic. It never came naturally to me. I often felt like I'm failing. I think we all feel that way so much of the time. Every year, the only thing I did successfully was to decorate the tree, buy gifts and not much else. It didn't help that my husband's busiest work day of the year was Christmas day. (No, he's not Santa Claus!) 

This year...sigh! What can I say about this year that hasn't been said to death already?! Let's just say I have needed that Christmas magic more than my children did. And that's the reason I've been going crazy in my kitchen this year for the first time ever! 

Even with this heavy cloud that is the ugliness of 2020 looming over all of our heads, we have all had fun, the whole house smells of butter, sugar and cinnamon and is decorated! The children seem to be happy and what more can I ask for as an end to this miserable year!?

There's a bittersweet heaviness in my heart as I write this...

Something is still missing for sure. I guess it's the isolation and being apart from my awesome massive, crazy, drama-filled family. It's also the fact that we're not kids anymore and I am so often reminded that life isn't as magical and carefree as we'd like it to be. Something that comes as side effect of being an adult who knows how sad, confusing and ugly life can often be. But I'm slowly learning to create the magic within my own little brood. And hope like crazy that they will one day create the charm and magic for their own little broods if they ever have them! Or for themselves if they want to remember their Mamma. As much as I'd love it to be as big and magical as my family was, it has its own manageable charm and I've got to make do!

Love and hugs to all my siblings❤

Miss you all a lot